Farting

Farting: First your asshole starts making a noise like a trumpet and then it starts smelling like shit: Farts are gases exiting your anus. The best thing to do with farts is blame someone else in the room. The next best thing is to ignite them. Put a lighter under your anus shortly before you fart. It won't smell at all. In case of chronic farting a permanent assplug is highly recommended.

Foods for Farting

Everyone is different, but various beans have become the musical food for a reason. Cabbage or broccoli often results in a second sense sensation for the entire room.

Women and Farting

No woman has ever farted in public. If you suspect your wife or girlfriend might have farted, you need to claim the fart as your very own. Failure to lay claim will result in your failure to claim a lay. If a dog is near by, you can blame the dog to everyone's satisfaction. A real dog is often amazed by its own farts and will spin in circles to smell it. If you do this, everyone will know it was you and not the dog.

Women have also been known to have 'pussy farts'. This happens when air gets trapped inside during sex, or masturbation with a sex toy and is expelled when the object is [[removed...sometimes not right away. Usually dependent on how vigorous the sex or masturbation is.

Cautionary Note

Farting as a youth can be a male-bonding ritual; however, as one ages, what feels like a fart coming out may result in a mess in your drawers. This leads to the expression old farts.

Farts in Humor

Males will find fart jokes a riot and laugh their fat asses off.
Females will roll their eyes but wait until later to laugh their cute asses off.

This is what it looks like when a beautiful VW contributor farts: